i am just one fo the fat , i am fat and nothign can change, i tried and i reached many goals , but now something is going back , and im failing, im falling slowly, and returning to nothing, and when people will see me this summer ... "someone 's gonna suffer " told Carl Mccoy, I need someone to help me rise above, i dont give up anything, i dont give up now, but i feel I ve lost a great battle , coz i am one of a kind... the back of the class is where i am from ...noone ever used words better than brian ... just a stupid victim of teenage bullying ... one of a kind..smother me or suffer shit!!! in this moment i want to report an important sentence of my life, a sentence tht i brought with me or all my life since a boy told me... i remind we were in class , at school , it was break time and we were discussing about body with friends... we were young but stupid yet, and then giorgio told me : " you deserve to remain binded to a bed with one glass of water per day ... just not to make you die"...of course he was exagerating, ocz i was big , not fat , but in reality he was deeply true, because, a fat girl can loose fat and mass, a big girl can't chnage her bones or her shouoders or to be shorter...and i reminded this sentenced since now, in my head... some years later i lost too much weight and he was were pleased tht stupid child!! but the sad thing is tht he was right...if i dont starve on , i dnt lose anything, neither one pile...what a strange word..

ok i must confess , i still eat biscuits sometimes... but then i leave it... and i still eat cornflakes... but then i leave them and i eat parmisan ...but then i leave it.... i promise i'll not eat anymore these things , just vegetables, in morning and night and no breakfast and today i counted my daily calories, im sure thth i arrived to 700 or 800 kcals, not more... and my belly was big as a hot-air-balloon...and then i kept to eat liek a pork , and then i left all..and then i made shower, belly was still big, and then i checked my weight... and then i came here, borken as rotting...

i gave my life just to study and body , but at last i felt i missed somethign , like human relations...

i bet i am a romantic, born in the mediterranean heart , i hear the song " jasmin and rose" and i think about june , and about Cuckoo sound at 06.00 of the day ... abd i think about all time lost ..if I only could be normal , be thin and tall , not big, like a male, if i could be friendly and not shame to look ppl in eyes... when i was young i gave guilt to my mother, neither father, just mother, i don't want nor tell it once more, even if she didnt explain me somethings about people, i will never give guilt to her another time, im rotting inside...i kept all inside for a long time, but now i am afraid to be a loser, to be a scared person , scared from people , tht s always hiding, i dont want to be that kind of person hided in a dark corner, i want to be safe of me, I know that you are not safer than me, you are not trustfull than me, it 's just pretending or habit , it's just your loneliness such as mine, i tried to pretend, but i hate relaly everyone withotut reason that is useless pretend more, all i want is the same...if i only could lose this fuckign weight, and leave everything of me that is reducing me to this...all i want is the true belief

back... another day s end!

well , here it s 21, 23 ; but my day isn't finished, to complete it i need to do some other things, i didnt find any bike, coc' i brought my titina to veterinary , she s perfectly healty and now sleeping, i didnt find any balance to wight food and the only thing i did is buy vinegar; tomorrow ill buy fennel and make a special salad : orange pieces, fennel pieces and parmisan , ill add a bit of vinegar that makes it excitant;tonight i have to make workout , tht i described in past post ( past post??!)

and by know i want rest ... shower is postponed to

tomorrow morning , after tita walking and after morning exercises, i want to try to make all before 08,30 , coz' in normal lesson days i have lesson at 09.00 and i m

ust be on time; i think i have to wake up at 06.00 all days,the positive side is tht in general i dont make shower everymorning, in general i prefer it on night , or evening...

actually tita, made me run today on the way 'till the veterinary , walking running makes her safer from strangers and from cars...i don't mean thth i completed my exercise today , but i am happy coz running with y

our dog close is one of the "earth surprises" ; i used and experssion stealed form Carl Mccoy...

ok so , at summary , tomorrow i ve to find bike , take balance and buy fennels and yellow apples, and at last go to faculty for lesson in the afternoon , it will be good to find back mates faces, after easter holidays...

of course in all this i must study harder than today , and if i make all these things, i think it will be a perfect day ... perfect day , rare day ...

important thing tht i didnt do still , 'cozx i find it very hard, is drink 8 glass of water per day,.... how can it be so hard???

tomorrow ill try back , and still i didnt ve courage to measure my sizes of belly , stomach , arm . leg , butt and thigh... if ill find back my " balls " and ill make this brave act , to get my measures , I will be a satisfied woman...

this s the [th]inspiration i purpose today , i didnt see many thinspos about her, but i think it values enough as thinspo , so if someone has more pics, could send them to me , or pubblish them on his/ her own blog...

actually , this is not a picture i like, i dont like this kind of clothing, but i liek her and her legs so much , so this picture deserves to be here, in this position and to close me daily post ...

3rd day is gone...

3rd day is gone with no yogurt, actually my parents bought a bit of ice cream , idont eat since years, i think tht i can eat a bit of it, but ill try to give the best part to my parents... tomorrow they go away , tomorrow illbuy my bike and my balance to wight food during preparation, this time it will be all perfect,and then i ll study liek a mad, ahh and tomorrow is a great day , the day of the curriculum -choice, in my course i can choose between 4 adresses , or curricula in latin , my choice is belonging to fisiopatologic or biomolecolar, i neither looked at other 2 cause im not very interested, at the best i can have my choice till 27 of april , but tomorrow i want close everything coz i am with parents...

spring aims...

like all years ,I sit here to renew my aims and purposes for sping and summer, i m not really that kind of person that starts a diet , or is inspired for dieting thiking about bikini-proof on the beach , it really doesnt matter to me, but when spring comes, i feel all shaked, i feel i want change, i feel that tehre is sun , and tht i wnat feel beautifull, i spoke yet about my hormones derangements.... who knows...

one thing is sure, im not eating so much , t

he quality and the quantity of my food in this tim

e is really good, but i am fat liek a cow, the only reason i can think is that i dont move ... i mean i never walk , i never run, i never make exercises, and workout, i play with my dog at best for 20 mins, i feel scared, i feel a monster, i go every day to faculty and I pass 10 hours per day , sit and writing...and more, i can add that in these days my parents came to visit me, and i didnt touch a sigaret, 3 days are passed without smoking, ifeel nearly a beast , im hearing "strange world " of iron maiden, i dont knwo why people criticize it, maybe isn't beautiful like running free, or silent planet, or fear of the dark , or childrne fo the damned , but i find it amazing, i hardly like slow songs as this, it means it s pretty good...but in any way , i can't smoke, i mustn't eat, and i feel i have lost my sexy-appeal... when u feel like this , you feel you have lost controll and that there s no ho

pe for you my darling....

but NO!! I am not that kind of person , everytime u fail till the bottom, you have an higher probability that , if you will get up, u w

ill go more far than before ...i have foudn back my motivation, i don't want anymore, remain closed at home, i don't feel cold, i don't feel frezed, i feel i wnat live everysecond of this life, i feel that i wnat to move, i want ri

de a bike and things so .... im happy to be awake from lethargy... this time i willnto fail with my target.

my new program includes, abs. workouts and bust twisting... just to begin , i wanna be an atletic and storng person as my brother, he s jym-dipendent, but he is ugly coz he s big for musles, disliking...in any way , this summer ill ask hime an help , to make me work a bit on my body , it needs it, and my brother is happy to play teh part of teacher....XD

by the moment, i can t find a gym near home, i searched an

d i cant go to a far gym , actually, I don't have , neither, time, to go to gym , if i found near, I would go there in any way , but there s no... so i ll make gym at home, just to begin , i need to increase my passion , for exercises and body care, i never had at this level , i always thought all kinds of diets and food restrictions i coudl ever do , but never thgough to have time for gym and fitness exercises...

ok , my first target is my stomach , i never had a big stoma

ch and belly , in this time it s getting a bit larger, not like a baloon , and nor fatty , just ...thick , it s like my stomach is full and all appears larger, but not fatty , my stomach doesnt dance or vibrates when i walk; I see it enough streight stilll, but i see at the same time , a great difference, since past, so first of all:

.abdominals workout

in total i counted, 224 abs:

ain't easy to explain it, in any way i ve 128 abs. then a short break breathing wiht nose and then second part of 128... ill start one week like this ... everyday , and then ill see how it goes... if i can do an higher number...

.bust twistings

people repeats always that this s a good kind of exercises to work on your sides, take a pole, set it on tour shoulders and hold it with your hands thorug the terminals . then so easy: move your bust turning on your self , without move your sides and your hips...128 times twisting, 128 times moving left and right with the pool on your shoulders, as normal...i have to clear some details, these are the main subjects and main suggests I gained around... next week , I will invent or find some workouts or my legs, while tomorrow , I ll take a new bike, or i hope i will take, coz are so expensive, at decathlon they are chepaer, the cheapest i have foudn is 129 euros ( in reality the cheapest was 119 , but i disl

ike it coz it was femalish AND disgusting, so if I msut spend 119 euros, i had 9 euros more and i take a good kind) , actually if i find a better option tomorrow, ill take it , may come what may... but I m sure that a bit of bikr will be appreciated from my bottom ....and here i have main part of the news... the next new is something really different...

Second NEW of the day:

is that this is my second day without yogurt, no kind... even if i am eating sweets, and i am going rarely to bathroom ... coz my parents are living wiht me in this time, but in soon they ll go and ill find back my regularity... even if i never had ANY regularity ... seocnd day without yogurt, and i am not mad., seriously , i was thiking, it woudl be hard to stop, ain't, its eays , cause i want it, i want lose weight, im sad to live, in the body of a cow, im nto a cow... well so we can say , that about yogurt addiction , these 2 days are gone well, ill not give up this time, ill not lose controlll, but by now i am tired and i want to sleep .. btu i have to ind a bike, so for tonight it s all, im dying , ill update tomorrow the next news, and how is going with yogurt, if it will work till the end, ill make the same thing with cornflakes and integral cereal biscuits , ill repleace my breakfast with a carot soup or zucchini soup, this can be a good target, and even i noticed that yogurts are expensive and un-ipocaloric...i have everything to gain and nothing to lose.. eccpet a lot of kilos... XD

everytime...

every time i think , this time it must happen, i must keep it till the end, but then i think it can't.. it can't happent to me, and at last... it doesnt happen to me...today i am 63,5 in general i am around 62, but this time was a shit time, an exam is done, and i was quietly stressed!!today mom and dad come, i guess that by now they are in car driving...for tonight they 'll arrive home, i feel that there s no more tme to lose weight, i must be honest , my diet isnt a real thinspo- or ana- or whatthefuck- DIET... the food i eat is good kind, good quality i dnt eat junk food, i dont eat fried food, i dont eat oil , nor fresh nor cooked, i dont eat salt, sugar , i never eat butter , i never eat eggs, rarely i drink milk ( i wish to pass to soy milk) , i never eat pasta, i never eat bread or crackers or thins liek this, never eat pizza , even if i live in italy , i never eat pizza, since years, well i never eat sadwiches or toasts, i never eat any kind of meat , nor fish,

whta i eat periodically is biscuits ( integral) , cereals ( cornflakes not ones with sugras ,chocolates or dry fruits), these are my only carbohydrates, so if there s sometihgn wrong in my diet , im ready to bet that the matter si the qauntity i eat , when i come back to home at 06.00 pm, stressed , tir

ed, and near to start again studying, in general i pas

s 14 hours studying, 9 or 10 in faculty or at lesson , and nearly 4 at home on night, this s the only way i have found to justify my binges...

im sure that the quality of my food is high and good, but i have somehting else that maybe ain't so healty, yogurts are my obsession, cerry yogurt is teh first of my top ten, peach and apricott, kiwi, pineapple, apple ones, pear flavour, passion fruit , banana, more flavours,and other thinsg liek this, well !! yourt is my achille's toe!it s fast to eat , u dont need to cook or to prepare, it s s

weet and beautifull to see, and... and yes i ve to drop eating yogurt!! as i have to drop smoking; the matter is that i dont eat biscuits often- this periodi a part- and yogurt is the only sweet thing that i can taste, i think i dropped to lose weight when i started to eat them , my father looked at

me an dhe told , " you know , it s not so much ipocaloric as you think!! eat a good plate of broccols, instead that sugared yogurt!_

it was too late dad! i was yet mad for it, now i got that was the worst fault fo my life, yogurt it will be the hardest challenge, such as stop smoking.

she is eating a great yogurt... but she can , she is thin and tonic, looking my legs i wonder how couldn't I rip my skin and my fat off from my bones, and let just what is essential?!! it must be so easy !

it is here , in front of me, i can use my hands, i can use a scissor, a knife or else, ... ain't so easy !!

next and last probelm of my diet is cheese,in general i dnt eat cheese, even if im a great lover of chesee, i stopped eatin

g when i stopped eating meat too , i keep to eat parmisan , coz i am in the region of parmisan , and i love it, and american cheese, american cheese, here called " sottilette" , is a shitt, like all american food and products, it s not real cheese, it s the result of my fat aunt sit on a cube of cheese...and i am the dumb that is eating that shit-cheese...

well at lats i think i made the point of mt wrong diet: biscuits, yogurt, parmisan and marican shit-cheese,

I 'll eliminate totally american cheese

but i dpont knwo what to do with the rest, maybe ill replace western european yogurt, with turkish or greek kind, i need to com

pare calories and ingredients,

parmisan is an hard story, coz i liek so much ,m i think tht the good idea must be the misure the quantity i eat in every dinne

r,

and abou biscuits, i was thiking to eat periodically , i strated liek this to eliminate food from my diet, eat them periodically , just one ime per week , then one time per mounth , and then .... IT'S OVER!!!!

easter holiday , the beginning...

another days gone, tomorrow mom n dad come,nad home si all dirty n uncleaned, a long night awaits,tomorrow ill get my new balance and a metre to misure my sizes, Im waiting for great surprises, mom n dad saw me from webcam through skype, and she told my arm circonference got thinner and my bones are comign a bit out over my shoulders.. i guess this s just mother love , that sees things where she cant find; i feel terribly nervous , even if exam is passed , im bored to clean plates, bathroom and the rest , i need somekind of satysfaction...

have you met these guys??

this is the new bbc version of sherlock holmes, called just such as " sherlock"!!

well i ve seen just 3 episodes 'till now [ coz there are just 3 episodes] , but im already loving it, the omosexual version of sherlock holmes, very gay .. and very british!!!

hope to recieve soon news about next episodes, yeap !! im so curious, i wanna see if watson is gay too , im starting to image how, next episodes, could surprise me... for example we ll discover that watson s gay too and that they ve a mutual attraction, an dthat in soon they 'll have a " civil partnership" ....

actually teh character isn't well built for me, its unlikely, fake, and watson is always sleeping, following sherlock ... such as a dog!! but it can be ameliorated, comeee onnnn!!! i wnat to see the next episodes, even if i image sherlock holmes such as a bisex , not so much gay, but this s another attractive side of the character..naive, cute, sweet, intelligent... and soo british!!!

wanna a new toy!!!

i want this new toyyyy.... ihad one, and by now is in my origin city , how much i miss it; first day ill be back at home, I ll go up on the roof and ill ve a nice long smoking time under the moon and the stars...such a romantic thing to make alone!!! by now sigaretts are making me discgusted, i wnat have a real smoking, not this bullshits i ve here... wiston!!! bleha!! what s wiston?? or camel?? if i could i woudl bring my narghilè till faculty and have a little smoke at every break , but in reality i need to drop smoking, tht s a shit-vice,

even if by the moment i tried just soem flavors, like apple, and soemhtign liek mango...i need to buy a new narghilè...or to bring here my beloved one...

i had found new tastes: mint, coffee, anix, rose, strawberry , grape and banana.. but nothing , no cherry ...

new day is ending , new study night is beginning...

As usually i am here , sit while buffy film plays on pc.., think i should dedicate 2 words for my blog.. think that time by time im finding my daily routine, today night isn't gone bad, actually i had a breakfast [rare event] with 4 biscuits... an apple at lunch [other rare event.. ] and potatoes, yogurt and biscuit at dinner... as usually i checked my belly ,think its normal by the moment, tomorrow we ll discover if i ate too much , during the weight-checking;

tonight again i ve courses, 6 hours; we could say it s a lucky day , tonight is molecular biology night, like all nights 'till 20th of april.. and them mom and dad 'll come in bologna; we ll go to milan ... shit city or town of what the hell is it, need a spring break ... how much i envy american students ...

wanna break wanna break wanna breaaaaaaaaakkk!

yesterday night i finished to study at 00.00 , great record for me , even coz the moring after i woke up at 6,00; tomorrow ill start courses at 11.00, this means that i can study till 02.00 tonight... let's hope to finish all translation chapter, even coz' ain't hard to understand or to remind, but it seems to me that the system and the molecules movements aren't clear, this test can fuck me in any moment , in any question , perhaps i should end to write on a blog and take back the papers that im reading since days, but im in paralysis hour

s, some half hour more , than ill be read... ohh this reminds me the coffee i prepared yesterday , i forbide , since now and then , to my self to prepare again a coffee, bleha!!! i t was disgustin'.

even coz' i don t u se sugar anywhere , it s not a thing to do with coffee, coffee needs sugar , but i don't know what i care for, i dnt drink

anything that 's not milk, tea or water, just i hoped it wou

ld give me a charge or a turbo for the night to stand for a long time.... the only thing that left for a long time was disgust sensation.

fake alarm!!

woushhhh!! couldn't believe... yesterday night i checked my weight , as usually , and i discovered i had lost one kilo just since the morning, then this morning , i found that i have lost one kilo more , of course it means that they were not 2 real kilos, lets call them fake kilos, my day started to shine since the first morning.

Tonight i ve to study more than yesterday , even if i am tired like a beast...

tomorrow 8 hours in faculthy , think ill suicide soon...

by the time, im trying to study turkish language, through some podcast , i have found.. can't stop to hear this sexy voice of man explaining me meaning of turkish words... im like hypnotized...

this s what a called an hormones derangement, but i have found just 5 podcasts about modern turkish... wich ill find more, 'coz im listening since one hour just this five...if all language teachers had a sexy voice like this i would understand so many things in my last high school.. actually in my old high school there were no male teachers, eccpet sport education teacher, but he was a clone of supermario bros.

lets return to my turkish podcasts, time ago a friend of mine explained me what s a podcast, in all explenation i got just , downloadable , free , learn english... and i started to download podcasts in english to improve [ or to learn] english , i downloaded workout podcasts, cooking recipes podcasts, english tales podcasts, and a lot of useless ones... woudl be nice to have a thinspo podcast...

let me choose a thinspo pic for today ...

how can it be????

3 days passed starving , and i keep starving on, how could i take one kilo more??, university passive life ruined me , 8 hours per day sitting , hearing, writing, turning pages and my head explodes, then only thing that's thinner since I'm at university is the size of my arm , nothing else...

But we don't give up!!! "I " don 't give up , spring s come , and is true too that on spring i have horomes derangements... may be the this the reason why?? i like to think that i am preparing to bloom and lose all my extra-weight...

new protocol or next days..

1. my new plan for next days 'till summer ( and maybe over) , is take note of all my weight- checkings on my fair blackborad
2. increase the daily weight-checkings
3. weigh daily food on balance
4. new goal-max-calories is set at 1000 kcals,
5. make home workout 2 times per week ...whenever i find time...
6. measure body sizes: arm, belly , thigh ,hips , ass .. and whatever body part i ve... if we can call them still body parts..
7. seventh rule, coz... there s no 6 wihtout 7 ...make a list of all forbidden foods..thats not hard , i deleted all common foods yet ... by jove i can still eat vegetables .. and air... and then ill discover that i can take weight with air too..

if sigaretts were making people fatter , i would drop off this vice time ago ...oh god i wich i believe not , what the f.. is happening to me?!!

im starting to think that i need to change food, or not?? no i dnt need , i need to to estabilish fixed daily meals, 3 or 4 ingredients and my weekly dose of carbohydrates , i know ! tha s a shame , a diet woman that s needs carbohydrates... in reality i dont need but i have found that when i come home at evening i need , at all costs , to find somehting sweet..

of course no bread, no crackers, no pasta, no cakes, no chocolate, the only thing i ask is biscuits, simple, integral ceral, biscuits, i dont need no sugar over it , i dont need no milk with it, i just want a dry little integral biscuit...i take always same kind, same mark , same market , same shelf and same price ... ( kind of biscuit that is never disocunted)...

yogurt yes , yogurt no?

western sweet yogurt, is something else, i like as a maaaadd..

nothing comparable with eastern white yogurt , like turkish one or greek one ...of course they have less calories , but i find them too acid for me... well it doesnt matter for few calories ill learn hwo to like them...

some mins ago i spoke with my father through skype , it gives me power , don't know why , he reminded me in some way that molecular biology is waiting for me, i am ta a good point, now i need just to repeat all chapters till 20 th of april ... and than s gone...well study starts now

meals-times

Many of us have different activities during the day ,everyone has his own metabolism belonging to the activities, the study, the work , the taste , and bla bla bla..what you say???

what is teh ideal number of meals per day???in general i pass 8 hours per day in faculty , and don ' t like eating in faculty , and don' t like neither make breakfast if i ve to go to my department,

i wonder if it s really the case to make an effort and make a meal more... not cause i am underweight.. ( sadly no!!) but 'cause starving makes me eat liek a porky when i come home at 18 .00. I opened a new survey about it... i wonder who will answer...

Tomorrow i ll buy an alimentary balance...it s sunday.. may after tomorrow?!!

my new target is 900 kcal per day

but to have lunch for me is totally impossible, im shy to eat in front of others, im shy to eat in faculty , and moslty i don 't ve any idea of what i can eat 'cause everbody eats pizza or sandwich , or both pizza and sandwich.... in reality i think I get nervous just 'cause of lessons...

fat vs thin

now let s be honest ..wich is the reson why people keeps a blog???

in reality I think i started writing 'cause i want support, most of times you dont find anyone supporting you around yourself, or may you dont find anyone to confess some kind of things or ask some kind of help...

I hope I'll find the support i need and guys who shares what i say in teh cyber world, to be stronger in the world outside...

well,here for the first real time need a place where share my self and where ask for a help,

by the moment Im watching the tv program fat VS thin , dont know the name of the english version , that s boring a bit, but it reminds me that I am forgetting something: ME!!

wake up , run , lessons, study , skip breakfast , skip lunch ,walk all day , sit on the ground... and then go home at 18,00 and eat li

ek a pork baby... yehaaa what a life!!!

how can i do it??? how can i wast

e all this " blessed " food just for anger or nervousism??? if i wee Christian i woudl say " that s a real sin!"..

where s the trick?!!

the truth is that i am totally unsa

tisfied of these days,

of fears coming from future, fears coming from university and from this shit-country ,paranoy, loneliness, and bla bla bla,

and then EAT !!!!

that s not a healty life... that s not a life, everybody needs to control his own life, everybody has got problems, and the difference between person and person , is how y0u pass it by...

face it?? dont face it??

win ?? or lose it??

go ahelll!!!

I won't let this happen